By: Anne Haynes
Woot.com has an interesting email marketing campaign. At first glance you think the email was a mistake. And then when you notice your social media username is referenced, you hope it’s a mistake. Following is the email I received today.
WOOT, INC. INTERNAL EMAIL
STAFF EYES ONLY
Attention Woot employees –
We are now entering the final phase of preparations for the Woot-Off planned for midnight tonight. This is when we depart from our usual deal-a-day model and sell one product after another, offering a new deal as soon as the previous one sells out. For some reason, Woot members like AnneHaynes continue to have high expectations for this event. We must make every effort to ensure that they feel disappointed and betrayed.
All workers should be physically and mentally straining to make this Woot-Off a success, like every muscle in a wolf’s body strains to capture and devour its prey. We expect total compliance with the following objectives:
1. Make sure the stables are thoroughly cleaned and the horses properly groomed and shod. As you know, Commander Rutledge prefers to lead us on horseback during Woot-Offs. Charge!
2. Customer Service department: all vacation requests for this week and next are approved. If you have not filed a vacation request, take one anyway.
3. The little green pills in the kitchen are there to keep you alert and working. Take as many as you need. Officially, Woot does not believe in the concept of “overdose”.
4. Take at least one of our servers offline, just for laughs.
5. Go to the landfill and dig up some more Sansa media players. If you see any Digipro Graphics Tablets (and you will), grab those, too.
6. Place crap bags in company latrines so those orders can be “filled”. To this end, the company will provide free lunch today from El Feo, the filthiest burrito joint in Dallas. Do your worst, guys.
7. Neutralize all negative thinking among our members. We simply cannot tolerate any more posts like “do not want” or “Woot-Off killer”. If electronic means like word filters and IP bans do not work, we must reactivate the rapid-response teams to physically eliminate all threats to our reputation.
8. Last time, spot checks revealed that approximately 25% of products shipped are broken, incomplete, or excessively dirty. This is unacceptable. For this Woot-Off, defective shipments must make up at least 40%.
9. Remind SmartPost that there’s no need to hurry on these orders. Prompt delivery makes our customers spoiled and argumentative. Let them learn humility and gratitude while they wait.
Above all, we must strive to make this Woot-Off even more tedious, disappointing, and lucrative than the last one. The employee who achieves the most toward this end will be rewarded with one brown Zune. Second place: two brown Zunes.
Forward into battle! Remember: to give one’s life for Woot is glorious!
THIS EMAIL WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 90 SECONDS